Saturday, November 22, 2008

letters to people.

I had a good day with my Grandparents. They are amazing people. I could listen to them talk all day and all night, and I would never be bored. I accidentally insulted my Grandfather, cause I tripped over some words as I spewed them out, when I tried to tip-toe backwards out of the statement I fell further in the hole of being rude. What are you doing right now? I'm feeling like I'm hurdling through time and space too quickly for my own good and I can't open my eyes because the wind is so strong,

probably drank too much caffeine today,

maybe just forgot to appreciate life.
[for lunch I had homemade lentil soup and glaceed apricots for dessert. I sat opposite my Grandmother, saw myself in her eyes and got rather lost. I heard her tone, I saw her blinking back the emotions that aren't allowed yet still arise. I saw her carrying 7 decades of pain around, slipped under her translucent skin just burning there forever. I saw her being strong, loving so intensely without ever getting very close. My grandparents took turns showing me pictures of them when they were kids. As my grandfather flipped the pages of the old tattered photo albums I could hear the glue separating from the pictures and I watches his skin crinkle, red and dried skin that have been through war and birth and death and adventure and sailing. His hands have been through the births of 5 children, 9 grandchildren. His hands have held money from over 40 different countries and saved hundreds of lives. They've held horse shit and baby puke, and he's lost 3 or 4 fingers, all reattached later. His hands have felt the softness of his puppy's fur, and the cold metallic gates of prison camp. His worn, tired hands are the most beautiful thing I've seen in such a long time.]

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Saturday, March 22, 2008

okay, one thing, thank you...

No one should live without leberwurst, a soft boiled egg, goooood bread and a pretzel with some elderberry preserves, butter and salt for liberal use, and some black tea with a little bit of sugar. every morning. every day. or at least some of it. i can die happy now after breakfast this morning, correction, this afternoon. i will post images later. flickr hates me right now.

home away from home,
i feel here
life is grey skies,
cloudy days,
in my favorite cities.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

irony or something like it

irony: a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

I think this sums up my life in a word, pretty much.
It's the sleepy sunday mornings that couldn't be more grey, that couldn't be happier, that couldn't be more lonely, and oh so satisfying. It's the conversations that precede and foreshadow the meeting of someone who just sortof sticks in your head. It's an innocent but passionate kiss hours after deciding people aren't meant to be together. It's finding peace in chaos and friendship during tumultuous times.

It's cliche writing by someone who doesn't like to conform.

It's working at a private coffee house wearing a nike sweatshirt. fucking hypocrite.

so i won't ever get married EVER. i met my future husband last night.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


The skies are grey and I'm thinking of you, lover.

You lover, who keeps me safe, but
who keeps me walking on eggshells.
You. Lover, why do you do this to me?

Who is lover?

Lover, whom I take care of.
Lover, the one I put to sleep at night.
Lover, the girl I wake up in the morning, the one I feed.
The Man I let sleep next to me.
The woman on the train who needs help.

The burden of a thousand books on my outstretched arms. Lover, the one I see through the 80 millimeter lens. The one I focus on, the one I breath for and takes my breath away.

Lover, who are you, and when will you leave me alone?
How can I wish to be self sustained,
on the other hand of the clock,
wish you here, completely stained. Waiting for me. To save the day.
Why must I subsist on the weight of others' problems?

What has happened to my life? What has happened to the joyous days
the days of carefree, the days of late night sunsets and early morning joints.

The skies are grey now, and as they remain this way
it slowly takes away from me. It slowly drains the blood from my body.
I return home catching tears before they fall,
trying so hard to make things right,

never. right?

Someday I'll sail forever. Someday I will fly.
Someday not today I will not drag you around, lover.
Someday lover will be nothing but my own reflection.

With such gravity, my feet take steps
Back and forth, sped up, slowly taking.
Waiting to fall and hit my head on the cement,
just to bleed and feel to remember I'm still human.

Lover, you make me a machine
Saving everything, saving you, losing me.
Lover, who are you and what do you want?
Please fly away and don't return. Let me stay behind

capturing what I please, this fake reality.
Staying in the dark, waves washing over,
and revealing only the truth I believe to see.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Art and everything else in life.

1. Art.

Who is to say what I can and cannot do with my own art? I'll decide what is and isn't exploitive.

2. I like to see and experiment with different social identities. I don't find it weird that I can change myself and mold myself consciously to see how others will react. Okay, maybe other people don't do that? I don't know. Someone fill me in. I have been having a mild identity crisis lately. What is an identity crisis anyway? Is it looking in the mirror and not recognizing your very own face? Is it not knowing who you are to others? Is it not knowing how you will react to something? Is it when you surprise yourself by actions that you are doing, and you don't expect to be doing them in that particular way? Am I being heinously vague? I don't remember the shape of my nose being like it is. I don't remember acting like my Dad does to things. I don't remember my eyes being this color. Maybe I never paid attention. Maybe I've changed. Maybe I like feeling like I'm in a new skin constantly. I think I am changing and growing as a human that is existing, and then reaching beyond simply existing and expanding. Not literally expanding, by the way. Expanding your openness, expanding your peripherals to perceive more than you're used to is what I mean.

I, at the same current time, am completely happy knowing the people I know and am really, truly enjoying life as it comes my way. I am excited to be at school being pushed beyond my comfort zone and reaching depths of my photography that I didn't know existed. The hasselblad doesn't hurt the cause, either ;-)

People in Chicago are fucking rude sometimes. But, all in all I love it here.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Goodbye Germany.

Sometimes other people say it better, so here it is. Thank you everyone who made this trip so incredible. It was truly completele wholly amazing.

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the
and then you call me and it's not so bad
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and
then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
and even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
all day -- and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my
I say to myself
I need fuel -- to take flight

And there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl -- sullen
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil
But he washed me ashore and he took my pearl --
and left and empty shell of me

If I get old
I will not give in
But if I do
Remind me of this

Remind me that
Once I was free
Once I was cool
Once I was me

And if I sat down and crossed my arms
Hold me until this song

Knock me out
Smash out my brains
If I take the chair and start to talk shit

If I get old remind me of this
That night we kissed and I really meant it
Whatever happens if we're still speaking
Pick up the phone
Play me this song

Monday, January 21, 2008

Nearing the end of my trip, full circle.

Here I am, sitting at Stefan's once again. Paris and Amsterdam and Munich were quite the experiences... I have created a lot of amazing memories during my travels, and it has been wonderful. I found out some good news from home today, that I made it on the dean's list for the fall semester, and i am excited to be back in school and going strong. Okay, here I start the full circle from Nürnberg to Nürnberg---

Paris: A beautiful shithole, and I mean that in the best way possible. I had a lot of fun with Kylie in Paris, there were some ups and downs in the trip, a visit to the hospital, and we were chased by a large man holding string. This part of the trip was nice to have someone around to make a fool out of myself while in the company of another person. It is much funnier in situations when another person is there. The bread and food in Paris, specifically in the open air markets is absolutely fantastic. I wish that people in the states would learn how to fucking make bread. It seems like it wouldn't be that hard to do it the same way, but then again we are talking about a country defined by it's bread and food for a couple hundred years... so, i guess i'll forgive the morons in the states for not figuring it out. Paris has the train system, TRULY, figured out. You can go anywhere you want at any time, and it is fantastic. Chicago really needs to step it up a notch, for reeeaaaal!
For My Mom.
Amsterdam- I am not sure whether to start on Amsterdam with that it is a very romantic and beautiful city, or with that traveling alone is maybe one of the most life changing eperiences possible. In Amsrterdam the first night I got completely high school high stoned and also got some sort of flu or food poisoning. I was up the entire night, stoned out of my mind, throwing up. I was completely and utterly freaking out... and was glad when it was over (the illness). I wavered back and forth in my lone travels between feeling completely free and able to do anything as I pleased and the feeling of being absolutely and overwhelmingly alone. In Amsterdam, I laughed, I cried, I was happy and scared, free and claustraphobic, I went through the entire spectrum of emotions in the short days that I was there. I went to the Anne Frank House, which was a very good experience that struck me kindof intensely. I met some people from New York that were also in Amsterdam travelling, and we went to some coffeeshops and bars and had a genuinely amazing time partying till about 5 a.m. I also met a conspiracy theory freak from Wales who smoked and smoked and smoked and the theories got more and more entangled and ridiculous, and it quite possibly could have been the single most interesting person I have met in my life...

On the last day, I had to check out of my hostel at 11 a.m. and my train didn't leave until 8 p.m.. I couldn't find the lockers in the train station to lock up my stuff, so I was carrying my giant blue backpack through the city the whole day, and around 3 got too annoyed to do anything and went to the train station and bought and read a book. The only book in English in this store other than really cheesy novels by authors like Danielle Steele, was Memories of my Meloncholy Whores by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It's a short novella about age and dying and really about living... and for whatever reason made me completely flip out while I was sitting there freeying my ass off on the train platform which is outside. I had this whacked anxiety attack about getting old and dying without doing the things I wanted to do all along, and at the same time realizing that I am doing the things I always wanted to do and it sometimes doesn't even matter. Life is short... it's really fucking short and you really have to say and do the things that cross your mind, no matter how crazy, because if you don't you come to some point and look back in complete regret, not of the things that you did that make you look like a fool, not of the things that brought you to your wit's end and made you quite possibly clinically mad, but the things you never did because the whole time you were thinking that it might or might not end up badly and in trying to avoid some pain or humiliation, you just went with the grain in the cycle of the world and did absolutely nothing. Also, I have come to the conclusion that in my life, I am completely satisfied and content being at what might seem like rock bottom, in this raw vulnerable depression that hits most people at some point in their life time. Here is something I wrote in my journal when I was alone in Amsterdam at a cafe eating the food that made me so ill:

"I am completely content and fulfilled being depressed and feeling unfulfilled. Strange maybe, but it's true. Time passes so quickly when everything is wonderful, and while I can try and trick my mind to thinking that time passes quickly when I am completely at my wit's end, unsatisfied, and lonely, time passes ever so slowly and painfully. But, along with this, I don't see a problem to be so dreadfully aware of myself and the time, each second and minute wavering past my soul with currants of complete emptiness. Without this flow of time from occasion to occasion, the soul ( and I say soul not in the religious sense, but the mind, body, thoughts, sentiments embodied all in one aura or magnetic field or body... soul...) becomes sickenly over sweetened with contentness and joy, that like a body on too often the same antibiotic, it becomes immune to the remedy of pain. And then, without the remedy of pain, comes the absolute mundaneness of life when one is always happy"

There you have it, the inside look on Heather's brain.

From Amsterdam, I took a train to München to visit Jack, whom I haven't spent time with in a very long time. It was nice to see someone and remember the good ol days with for a while, and also to drink multiple litres of beer with and have an amazing time with for a couple of days. From the beautiful city and stay in München, I came back to Nürnberg, also beautiful but not quite as large, and have had a great time here as well. Saturday when I returned I hung out with Juni and Iris, had dinner and smoked and drank wine and talked and laughed for a long time. Yesterday I went to the countryside with Juni, Iris and Iris' son Jim, to a Franconian restaurant for an amazing lunch and a walk in the countryside which was splendid and beautiful. Now, here I am typing on a computer and done and here are some pictures for you all to look at...... bye for now.
Here I fell in love with life again.

Saturday, January 05, 2008


from new years, hahahahahahaha!

Hello Again!

Here are some photos to look at and keep you busy for a second while I am in europe having fun and you are bored on the computer. love you guys!

church ceiling

me sitting, duh.

p.s. Corey, I miss you!

parties, good people, good memories.

I am happy to wake up in Germany today after a long night of fun with nice people. Stefan was kind and took us to a dinner party with his closest friends, and they all were giving and kind to us. It was a good dinner. The appetiyer first course was these amazing little rolls made with pizza dough, and I think they had rosemary in them. There was one of these fist-size rolls next to two bacon, or maybe prociutto wrapped dates. There were cherry tomatoes baked with olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette to scoop onto the plate and eat with the roll. It was delicious. I thought to myself, I am not stuffed but I am okay now, I am not too full. I thought that this was the meal. ha, how I was wrong! They then brought out a beautiful feast of braised venison and dumplings, some of bread and some made of potato. There was red kraut, beets, celery root, sauteed mushrooms, and the venison was cooked in a sauce to put over the dumplings. There were pears and cranberries, lots of wine and beer and laughs to share all around. I had a wonderful time, they were very giving. Kylie is the good one out of the two of us and abstains from much on the indulgence I find myself joining with pleasure. So, if the family is reading this, you can know that Kylie is in good hands, and she is very responsible and I am upholding the tradition of indulgence while in my twenties, as all of you did so incredibly. hehehehe.

Kylie, Stefan, one of Stefan's friends Juni and I came back to his flat and drank some more and later had a little cheese and leberwurst and other meats that i don't know what they were but it tasted good so I ate it with some nice italian bread.

I am the first one to wake up, Stefan I think is sleeping in, after a 4 am night he is tired still and I am okay. Kylie woke up recently and is in the shower washing away the sins from last night's party. kidding. really, she was the best of the three of us.

I am off to eat something and drink some tea to get rid of this silly headache I have.

Miss you and love you all. Especially my cats (no offense). :)

Heather Karin

Thursday, January 03, 2008

1st day in Germany.

Kylie and I are having a wonderful time already!!

We are leaving for Nürnberg now to explore and what not, later I will update with pictures und stories of our day. Sorry about any typos, but the keyboard here is different and I am not used to it. I miss everyone a little, but I don,t really care because I am having a lot of fun.

(There is one person who I wish were here with me)

For the family: Last night I updated Stefan on the missing links of the stories he has been told by Uli and he was surprised and laughing at my versions of the construction and relationships in our family overseas. We had a blast and drank two bottles of wine. Kylie was a good girl and went to bed early. I should have but Stefan and I fell into conversations that lasted long into the night. He says Halo to Ingimaus!

Lots of love to everyone, thank you Keiko for watching the kitties, give them my love and some cat crack. cool thanks.
more later.